“But you like it”: why physical arousal does not always mean a desire to have sex

physical arousal

Sometimes a woman does not want to have sex, but she has physiological signs of arousal: blood rushes to the labia, lubricant is released. Or vice versa: the head feels excitement, but the body does not react in any way. This phenomenon is nonconcordance, or inconsistency of excitation.

What is nonconcordance

Excitation is divided into two types:

  • Physiological – occurs in response to caresses . For example, in women, the walls of the vagina become moist and the clitoris enlarges. 
  • Subjective – mental involvement in sex, that is, emotionally a person wants to have sex.

Sometimes physiological and subjective arousal do not coincide. The body does not respond to caresses, although mentally the person is excited. Or vice versa – the body is excited, but there is no emotional involvement. This is nonconcordance.

Sex educator Kanisha Hall explained in Mindbodygreen that sometimes nonconcordance hurts your sex life. The person does not understand what is happening to him. He may consider himself inadequate, wrong, feel as if his body is betraying him. Such thoughts cause stress and can affect relationships with a partner. 

Why the body responds to stimuli, but the person does not feel anything

Sex educator Emily Nagoski explained in her TED talk that the genital response doesn’t always signal desire or pleasure. Blood flow to the genitals may increase in response to stimuli unrelated to sex. For example, to a random phrase that the brain considered exciting. A person may not want sex at all. Emily Nagoski compared it to salivation.

“If I told you that I was salivating when I bit into a wormy, rotten apple, would you think, ‘Well, if she’s salivating, then she really likes to eat a wormy, rotten apple’? Of course not. You would know that salivation is just an automatic reaction.”

Emily Nagoski, sex educator

Why a person feels excited, but the body does not react 

A 2012 experiment showed that women experience nonconcordance more than men. The body of the subjects reacted to sexual stimuli, but, according to the girls themselves, they did not feel arousal.

Kanisha Hall believes that it may be the stigmatization of female pleasure. For a long time it was believed that women should not enjoy sex. Therefore, they have physical and mental barriers. The expert also noted that stress, hormonal imbalance and psychological trauma can interfere with physical arousal. 

What to do if you notice nonconcordance in yourself

Don’t blame yourself

According to Kanisha Hall, it’s important to remind yourself that nonconcordance is not a deviation. Getting physically aroused in non-sexual situations or not always responding positively to a partner’s caresses is normal and experienced by many.

Instead of self-blame, you can try to trace when nonconcordance occurs. What affects physical arousal or lack of it? Do you really want sex? These questions will help you understand your true desires based on your feelings and thoughts. 

Explore yourself

Kanisha Hall advises to examine your feelings. If the body does not react in any way, perhaps the petting that you practice is not suitable for you. You can try other techniques with a partner or masturbate alone. So you will understand what responds best in your body. 

Use lubricant 

If you feel like you want sex Read the rest

What is the difference between love for women’s stockings and real fetishism

Sometimes fetishes can ruin a life.

What is the difference between love for women's stockings and real fetishism

What is fetishism

Sexual fetishism is the use of some inanimate object (fetish) for sexual arousal. In everyday life, this is called love for certain sexual practices, role-playing games, passion for some parts of the body, except for the genitals.

Common fetishes:

  • linen;
  • stockings;
  • latex;
  • feet;
  • color of the skin;
  • lipstick color;
  • smells;
  • hair on the head and on the body.

It is impossible to list everything, because the list is endless. Fetishes are teddy bears and even trains.

When fetishism becomes dangerous

It is normal if a person is turned on by touching latex, special perfumes, high heels, long hair. You can build it into your intimate life on your own or with a willing partner. But it can be dangerous if it leads to problems in your personal, social and professional life.

Another bell – arousal cannot be achieved without a fetish object. If the difficulties last more than six months, such a person can be diagnosed with a fetishistic disorder. It is believed that it occurs only in men.

Fetishistic disorder is one of the eight paraphilias, or attraction disorders. These include exhibitionism, voyeurism, and masochism, for example .

How to Suspect Fetish Disorder

If you feel like fetishes are ruining your life, see a therapist. To make a diagnosis, the following criteria must be met :

  • strong sexual arousal associated with an object or part of the body (other than the genitals);
  • psychological difficulties associated with the fetish;
  • problems in life because of him;
  • these signs last longer than 6 months.

In these cases, the disorder must be treated.

What to do about fetishistic disorder

A psychiatrist or psychotherapist will prescribe medication and psychotherapy.


So far, antidepressants from the group of selective serotonin reuptake inhibitors have shown the best effect. They help reduce anxiety, strong sex drive, and compulsive behaviors, as well as depression.


Cognitive-behavioral and sexual therapies work best as psychotherapy. The first allows you to change the association between the object of the fetish and sexual arousal, and the second allows you to discuss sexual habits and health with a specialist without guilt or shame.

Is it possible to get pregnant from anal sex

If we talk directly about frictions in the rectum, then definitely not.

For pregnancy to occur , sperm must enter the uterine cavity. The vagina communicates with it, but the rectum does not. So if all the seminal fluid is in the intestines, then conception is excluded.

But in theory, pregnancy is possible after sex if some of the sperm gets on the vulva and vagina. For example, if it leaks from the intestine. Or before the introduction of a member into the anus, they will be passed through the labia, and lubricant will get inside, or pre-ejaculate. All this is rather fiction, but there is a possibility.

Do I need to use protection during anal sex?

Although it is impossible to get pregnant from anal sex if the sperm does not get on the vulva, you still need to protect yourself.

The rectum is not adapted for sex, like the vagina, so it is easier to injure. If there are wounds in the mucous membrane, then Read the rest

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Ich habe mich sehr über Erwachsenen-Dating mit the sexiest Berlin escorts gefreut

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How to Enjoy Sex Toys Designed Like Tongues and Getting Help from Luton escorts

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