Join the action as 8 of today’s hottest MILFs compete for the National MILF Championship. The Winner is determined by a secret statistical formula you would not understand. Because it involves fractions.
The Basics of the Formula include:
– A Panel of Judges consisting of heterosexual men
– Asking 1000 people on the streets of New York City
– My personal vote
– The Internet Buzz Statistics
– In the case of a tie, there is a high-stakes rock-paper-scissors tournament
March MILF Madness Game 1
Jennie Garth Vs. Pamela Anderson
A complete blow-out! Pamela Anderson wins although she’s had more work than the Help Wanted ads.
Pamela destroyed 90210-oh-oh so hot Jennie Garth. One judge comments: “Jennie is a normal hot babe up against a super hot buxom babe. Even though Pam is a quarter plastic, she’s still slamming.”
Then I dismissed him from being a judge for still using the phrase “slamming.
WTF? Who says Slamming anymore? “Yo, Jennie is Fresh, but Pamela is da bomb, bro!”
My feeling is guys gave Pam too much credit for her past hotness and are overlooking her now-scary face and ugly implants.
My vote went to Jennie Garth because she has two kids and is expecting a 3rd but she still looks natural. And more like a human being. Personally, I think the human-look is hot.
But Pamela Anderson has been one of the most downloaded women on the Internet for ten years! That’s amazing.
But how many guys have downloaded hepatitis C from her vagina? Not hot.
One judge explained, “I vote for Pamela Anderson because of her t!ts. You can bag the face.”
Yeah, in March MILF Madness, there is a lot to be said for over-inflated basketballs.
Me? I love snuggle-bubbles, too. But if her face isn’t pretty, I don’t care about the t!try!
My vote wasn’t so much for Jennie Garth, but against Pamela Anderson. I think it’s time they sent her and her awful implants to the glue factory. In basketball terms, for Pam, it’s way past overtime.
Part of a woman’s hotness is her perceived sluttiness level, too. Keeping with the basketball theme of the event, we need to ask, “How many guys have dribbled on Pam Anderson’s court?”
March MILF Madness Game 2
Melania Trump Vs. Jennifer Garner
What an exciting finish! It was neck and neck! And cleavage and cleavage! Incredible! Jennifer Garner is super hot. Super pretty face. And a killer body.
Melania Trump is a lot less famous, BUT her body is referee-dick-all! Melania was helped by her Trump name. People seemed to trust The Donald’s judgment with the bits. As one judge remarked:
“She’s banging Trump and Trump has banged a lot of hot chicks. Trump gives her the extra oomph. (Wouldn’t we ALL like to give her the extra oomph!) Trump’s owned the Miss Universe Contest and Miss America Pageant. He has competitions for hotness. He knows what he’s doing. He’s gotta have some expertise.”
That’s a damn good point.
While Melania was helped by her husband, Jennifer may have been hurt by the backlash against Ben “Dover” Affleck. Guys had a lot of great things to say about Jennifer Garner. They love her dimples, her body, her eyes, her perky nipples.
Plus Melania’s basketballs are most likely synthetic while Jennifer’s are authentic. But… Melania squeaks out a win in an upset!!
MARCH MILF MADNESS GAME 3
Denise Richards Vs. Heidi Klum
Another tight battle of the MILFs! Many felt Denise Richards’ time has passed. Though one judge vehemently dissented stating his desire to “get into the paint” with Denise:
“I would kill someone to have Denise Richards.” But another judge wanted to pick and roll Heidi into bed. He admits, “ With Heidi, sometimes I find that I’m accidentally humping my couch cushions while watching her on TV.”
What’s even grosser is that that judge still lives with his parents. Heidi Klum still has that incredibly pretty face. And I think the images of her (fair or not) posting in Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Edition will forever give her higher scores than she would otherwise earn today.
Hedi edges Denise!
MARCH MILF MADNESS Game 4
Christine Taylor (Ben Stiller’s wife) Vs. Michelle Williams (Brokeback Mountain bit)
Another close one! Michelle Williams was hurt by guys who think chicks who have babies with guys who kiss guys in the movies are not as hot as chicks who have babies with guys who destroy weddings at the movies.
Major bonus points were given to Christine Taylor by Jewish voters. Because Christine is married to Jewish funnyman Ben Stiller. And every Jewish guy knows it’s a Jewish guy’s dream to get with a hot shiksa (non-Jewish girl).